“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords”

I remember that I used to be fearless.
I used to jump without wondering, “is it too high?”
I used to walk alone without listening for the footsteps behind me.
I used to enjoy the thrill of a good scare—back when it was a novelty.
I used to fall asleep without feeling the world crushing my chest.
I remember that I used to be fearless.

I got older and I became a clever girl.
But the more I learn, the more I fear, too.
I wonder who first told me that knowledge is/was power?
Now I’m careful to hide my thoughts behind thoughtfully worded sarcasm.
Funny human.
People laugh but their eyes are carefully watching mine.

You say that I am free to follow any path that I choose,
But I can see the check-stop ahead.
I can only go so far before someone tells me to stop.
With those flashing lights before me, I feel I am supposed to turn around.
Go home. Find your voice through an approved media.
Get a nice job. Be a nice girl.

I remember the year that my friend stopped seeing me as that funny awkward kid.
I was suddenly an adult. I became a frightening woman.
My jokes were no longer as funny and the sting of my words left a mark.
We don’t like marks and blemishes. We want perfection and youth and innocence.
But I’m an adult and I’m carrying years of scars and I do not understand why you are telling me to hide them.
I will not hide them.

My words not meaningless and my actions are being judged.
4.5… 6… 5.5… “You can do better.” BE better.
Nothing is the same and yet we all just carry on.
But I still can’t sleep at night.

I make decisions that leave people behind and they resent it.
I should be walking the line not crossing it.
I am making my decisions based on the information that I am finding.
But you say that I shouldn’t be digging…

What I should be doing is jumping regardless of whether it’s too high.
I should be following my own form.
The one that I choose.
The one that I am making.
The one that I’ve seen my friends and family abandon.

I’ve seen my loved ones being consumed by this.
But, I will not sign along the dotted line.
Scary human.

So, despite no longer being fearless,
Despite the bone crushing anxiety that grips me,
Despite the peering eyes watching me,
Despite all of these things and more…
I still believe that knowledge is powerful.
And I still believe that power is within me.
Watch me jump.

Posted by

Hello! My name is Britney and I am a writer specializing in life writing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s